Imperio
by Slytherin Godess
Summary: coughs This has a bit of everything in it, slash, studentteacher romance, pure stupidity, and more coming in later. Summary: A death eater has decided to wreak havoc at Hogwarts.


**Imperio: The Potions Lab**

Written by Slytherin Godess

A/N This is the first in a series of Death Eater attacks at Hogwarts. This is supposed to be funny, nothing serious, and definitely not a literary masterpiece. This isn't exactly meant for young eyes... some cussing and rather... erm... interesting topics...

_A/N EDIT 7/18/2006_ I am appalled by my own grammar, so I couldn't resist rewriting this. Thanks to everyone who reviewed the first one! I hope this one is less… retarded.

"Potter!" Severus Snape shrieked. Harry sighed and looked up at the sneering Potions master. "Your Shrinking Solution is, quite possibly, the worst I have ever seen." Snape peered into the cauldron, grimacing. "10 points from Gryffindor."

Harry scowled and vanished the soupy mess with a wave of his wand. Snape disappeared from his side in a swish of robes and began railing on Neville Longbottom's equally revolting potion. Snape was just beginning his tirade on poor Neville, "I take that back, Longbottom, your potion is even more dismal than Potter's, 10 points from-". The door opened with a loud splat and a shriek. Snape spun around to see Goyle covered in jellied slugs slumped behind the door and a cloaked man wearing a white mask standing in the doorway.

Before Snape could so much as remove his wand from his billowing sleeves, the Death Eater shouted "Imperio" and then "Nox". The Sixth year Gryffindors clustered together and stared at the spot that Snape had been moments before. Out of nowhere, music began to play and the students began to really become confused.

"Hey, I know this song, it's Bad Touch!" Harry said in the darkness.

"What?" Ron hit his friend over the head and heard a girl cry out in the dark. "Oh, sorry Hermione." He threw his hand out on the other side of him and was rewarded with a manly "Ugh!" before the lights come back on. Many of the students had to stifle laughter at the sight before them. Severus Snape was standing in the same place he had been before, but instead of the billowing black robes, he was wearing black leather pants and a black muscle T-shirt.

"Severus," said the Death Eater, "We call sex call the act of mating, but there are several other very important differences between human beings and animals that you should know about. I'd like your input."

To the student's combined confusion and horror, Professor Snape started singing. Poorly.

Severus: "Sweat baby sweat baby sex is a Texas drought  
Me and you do the kind of stuff that only Prince would sing about  
So put your hands down my pants and I'll bet you'll feel nuts  
Yes I'm Sisqo yes I'm Ebert and you're getting two thumbs up  
You've had enough of two-hand touch you want it rough you're out of bounds  
I want you smothered want you covered like my Waffle House hash-browns  
Come quicker than FedEx never reach an apex like Coca-Cola stock you are inclined to make me rise an hour early just like Daylight Savings Time"

"What the hell is this," muttered Hermione, flipping quickly through a manual entitled 'Harry Potter, Year 7: What Is Supposed to Happen, and What Should Certainly NOT Happen'. She shoved the book under Harry's nose as Pansy Parkinson began to salivate over her Head of House. "Look, Harry! This clearly states that this is something that isn't supposed to happen!"

Harry frowned, but before he could comment, the Death Eater whipped off his disguise and, to Draco Malfoy's eternal embarrassment, his father was standing before them all, wearing spandex pants and a frilly white shirt.

"The horror," Draco muttered, before sitting down in a corner to have a good cry.

Lucius: "Do it now!"

Severus and Lucius: " You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel"

Lucius: "Do it again now"

Severus and Lucius: "You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals, so lets do it like they do on the Discover Channel"

Lucius: "Gettin' horny now!"

For reasons unbeknownst to them both, Harry and Ron both found themselves joining in, clad in matching black jumpsuits. Hermione found that it was her turn to sit in a corner and cry.

Harry: "Love the kind you clean up with a mop and bucket  
Like the lost catacombs of Egypt only God knows where we stuck it  
Hieroglyphics? Let me be Pacific I wanna be down in your South Seas  
But I got this notion that the motion of your ocean means "Small Craft Advisory"  
So if I capsize on your thighs high tide B-5 you sunk my battleship  
Please turn me on I'm Mister Coffee with an automatic drip  
So show me yours I'll show you mine "Tool Time" you'll Lovett just like Lyle  
And then we'll do it doggy style so we can both watch "X-Files."

Lavendar and Parvati joined the gaggle of Slytherin girls ogling the very tightly dressed men dancing and swaying before them. Pansy Parkinson would have launched herself at Snape's feet had Crabbe not been holding her back. Hermione began wailing.

Ron: "Do it now!"

Harry and Ron: "You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel."

Ron: "Do it again now!"

Harry and Ron: "You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel."

Ron: "Getting' horny now!"

Draco abruptly stopped snuffling in his corner. To the delight of Blaise Zabini, who's hand immediately went underneath his desk, Draco found himself dressed in naught but a speedo and tie. He was dancing to the music, looking thoroughly horrified with himself.

Severus: "Do it now!"

Lucius: "You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel

Harry: "Do it again now!"

Draco: "You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.

Ron: "Gettin' horny now!"

Harry: "You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.

Lucius: "Do it again now!"

Ron: "You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel"

Draco: "Do it now!"

Severus: "You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel"

Lucius: "Do it again now!"

Severus, Lucius, Harry, Ron, and Draco: "You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel"

Hermione also ceased crying, and stood up with a crazed look in her eye.

Hermione: "Gettin' horny now"

She vaulted herself at Snape and proceeded to Snog him thoroughly. Everyone stopped dancing. Harry, Ron and Draco all stare accusingly at the latter's father. Lucius shrugged. "I had nothing to do with _that_."

Pansy Parkinson wailed. Blaise Zabini began inching towards Draco. Lucius took his cue and stepped out of the room. The Imperious Curse fell from Snape, and he pulled back from Hermione. She simpered at him and he shrugged before sticking his tongue back down her throat. The class collectively turned from the strange pair as Snape began to unzip his pants.

The Gryffindor's and Slytherin's huddled together in the back of the classroom, trying to ignore the noises issuing from the front off the room. "What the hell is the Discovery Channel?" Blaise Zabini asked as he washed his hands. 

"Some muggle telly channel." Harry answered, shrugging. Pansy turned to Draco.

"You look sexy in leather," she purred. Draco looked as though he wanted to cry again.

"I agree with Parkinson," Harry muttered, shyly. The class looked at him in shock.

Draco perked up considerably. "Really?" he drawled. "Then you wouldn't mind me doing this!" And grabbed Harry by the front of his robes and they began frantically groping each other.

Disgusted, the rest of the class moved to another corner of the classroom. Parvati glanced over at Hermione and Snape. "Is that possible?" She whispered. And the class looked over at them.

"I never would have thought that possible." Ron said, "It looks painful." They nod in agreement, and start to discuss different positions. After a few moments in which everyone is pretending that they aren't trapped in a room of highly crazed monkeys, the door slammed open again with another thud and a shriek.

Goyle still lay on the floor behind the door covered in slugs. Dumbledore stood in the doorway this time, his blue eyes twinkling mischievously.

"Uh oh." Blaise whispered, as Hermione and Severus quickly tossed on their robes. Draco and Harry disentangled themselves and looked down at the floor.

Albus smiled, and did a little dance in time to the music that was still playing. Everyone stared in amazement at the Headmaster. "This music puts one in a horny mood indeed," he said brightly, "Carry on." He walked out of the classroom without another word.

"What…?" This time, Ron smacked Pansy and happily continued his conversation with Parvati about her studies of Karma Sutra.

To be continued... (eventually)

Next time, where will Luscious Lucius Malfoy stop next? Find out soon, in the next Part of Imperio... Review please!

Disclaimer - coughs must I go through this every time! Harry Potter and Co. belong to J. K. Rowling (long may she write) and the song Bad Touch belongs to The Bloodhound Gang. The idea of this... thing... came from my muses (who must be on crack) Vedis shrugs hope you like it. Flames will be doused with a large amount of ice water. pats bucket of water next to desk I expect some flames here...

_EDIT 7/18/06_ yes I am aware is still sucks, but at least it doesn't suck quite so badly. I probably could have spent a LOT more time on this (or just scrapped it all together) but, since I have better things to do, of course I chose to waste my time on this venture. Heh.


End file.
